innerpeach

Friday, October 28, 2011

Happy Halloweekend!

Photo courtesy of books, paper, scissors

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Goodbye to the Age of Prince Charming, Hello to the Age of the Warrior Princess

"Growing up is not an absence of dreaming

It's being able to understand the difference between the ones you can hold

And the ones that you've been sold

And Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life

But pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie

Forgetting what you are

Seeing for what you've been told

Truth is stranger than fiction

This is my chance to get it right

And life is much better without all of those pretty lies"

- Jewel, "Goodbye Alice in Wonderland"

I love fairy-tales. I love animated movies. I love Disney. I LOVE Pixar. I love children's story books. I love the idea that Prince Charming exists to come sweep me off of my feet. I love how all fairy-tales begin with "once upon a time" and that the turning point of the story always begins with, "until one day..."

But.

And it's a really big BUT. And maybe this is something you already know? But... fairy-tales aren't reality. I'm going to say that again because I am a slow learner and apparently I have trouble with this truth: fairy-tales are not reality. The problem is that I have always assumed that once I meet "The One", he will sweep me off my feet, we will get married and everything will be just perfect. I like to believe in magic. I like to believe in quick or instant fixes. I like when someone else takes control. Why? Because I don't trust myself. Somewhere inside I have a flawed conception that, if left to my own devices, something very awful and terrible and catastrophic will happen and I will not be able to turn back. I have a fear that if I let myself run my own life, then it will surely end in disaster. A disaster I will never be able to un-do or remedy. I'm not sure why this is or where it comes from. Maybe it's the fact that if shit does go wrong (or doesn't work out, as life has a way of doing) then I don't want to take the fall for it. I'd like to blame someone - anything, the world, the moon, mercury retrograde - on it not working out the way I wanted it to instead of having faith that maybe it's all working out exactly the way it's supposed to or meant to work out.

I think when you stop believing in fairy-tales you start believing in God. And by God I mean whatever it is that isn't tangible, whatever it is that helps us trust that what permeates through life and gets life going is ultimately, unquestionably and 100% GOOD. Just last night my therapist said to me,

"Wow. When you put all of your energy into believing in a fairy-tale, real life is pretty awful huh?"

What she is referring to is the fact that I - recently - built an elaborate fairy-tale in my own mind and when it didn't work out and all came crashing down, I hit the lowest of lows. I had the thought that "everything sucks. Nothing is working out right. Everything is wrong." And, when you believe in a fairy-tale and it doesn't come true, that is the way the world might look.

After talking to my therapist, I felt better. It's funny but in that one hour of talking to her, my perspective and thought pattern shifted and I felt better. I guess that is magic then, right? It only took an hour. But it wasn't magic, and it wasn't magic because what happened was that I, COURTNEY, showed up to that session. Even though I did not want to be there and even though through the first half of it, I was sitting there sulking and crying and giving a death glare at my therapist, I was still listening to her. I was taking in what she said. I let her comments penetrate my negative force-field enough to actually hear what she was saying and let it sink in. I responded to her questions (albeit with one word at first) but I still responded. And together, we fought our way through my heavy fog and got to the other side of the dark forest together. No Prince Charming. No White Horse. Just me, my therapist (my guide) and a long, dark journey. But I - Courtney - was there, getting myself through it. So reality is not as bright or easy as a fairy-tale, but let me tell you something it's a hell of a lot more rewarding to get through something on your own two feet. And do you know what is better than pretty pink dresses and "perfection"? Honesty. Courage. Self-reliance. Humility. Compassion. Bravery.

Oh and P.S. - if this subject interests you I urge you to watch the documentary "Seeking Happily Ever After" which explores the notion of prince charming, marriage, fairy-tales and how this sets up a lot of little girls for disaster. Visit the website here.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Recognize Yourself as a Friend

A few weeks ago, my cousin Sara Liz and I went to yoga and then out to lunch at one of my favorite restaurants nearby. Afterward, she dropped me off at my apartment and we sat in the car and chatted for a little while. Before getting out I noticed that she had a tub of colored chalk in the passenger's seat. We decided right then and there we would like to play with the chalk. It just so happens my apartment has a giant, empty parking lot. We decided to decorate 2 parking spaces. And what did we draw? Oursleves. We decided - rather spontaneously - that we would outline eachother. We then started coloring our outlined selves. I chose to fill myself up entirely with blue greenish yellow colors. It was so healing, almost like I was constructing a positive voodoo doll of myself to heal. And it reminded me of a part in the book Eat, Pray, Love:

“This is what I find myself writing to myself on the page:

‘I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you…There is nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.’

Tonight, this strange interior gesture of friendship- the lending of a hand from me to myself- reminds me of something that happened to me in New York City. I walked into an office building and dashed into the elevator. As I rushed in, I caught an unexpected glimpse of myself in the mirror. In that moment my brain did an odd thing- it fired off this split-second message: ‘Hey! You know her! That’s a friend of yours!” And I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar. In a flash instant, of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works. But for some reason that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness in Rome and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page:

Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”

~pp. 54, "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert

Monday, October 24, 2011

Weekend Bits

Butternut Squash & Dried Berry Quinoa based off of Daily Garnish's recipe
Orange, Lemon & Pistachio macarons from Georges Perrier's Art of Bread
Daisies! at the train station

Purple flowers
Chicken quiche, salad & pastry from Art of Bread
Halloween party!
A handful of sweetness

Chef Court-Ah-Nee! (my costume for the Halloween party)
Best ever Sangria & Veuve Clicquot at Serafina with Sam <3
Spooky Halloween bar

Wanderlust

Have you heard of Haleigh Walsworth? She's A Silly American in Paris who writes, photographs, blogs, works and is AWESOME. Whenever I vist her blog I feel as though my insides are being lined with velvety pink flower petals. It's like insta-happiness. Her blog is so refreshing, creative, inspiring, sweet, intriguing and informative (hey, if I can't live in France atleast I can do my best to live like a French woman.) I also love the way she sees the world, captures it and puts it to music. She made this video of her time in Basilicata, Italy and I think it's beautiful. The only problem with her blog? It makes me ill with wanderlust.

I have never been to Europe though I studied French for 9 years. I was supposed to go to Paris for a semester abroad in college but got too scared. I worried I would run out of money, not understand anything and get into scary situations. I now regret that decision with every single fiber in my body. (*Note to self: I will never let irrational fear hold me back from doing something ever again.)

Thursday, October 20, 2011

5 Years Time

Life has been feeling pretty heavy and icky for me lately. So I thought I'd share some things that remind me that life can still be fun. Make sure you listen to the music as you scroll through the pictures!