Are You an Approval Whore?

'I feel there is an angel in me' she'd say
'whom I am constantly shocking'

- from poem Number 8 by Lawrence Ferlinghetti

photo courtesy photofurl.com

Pardon my French in this title, but there is really no other way to say it. I recently read an article by one of my favorite authors, Martha Beck, entitled "The Halo Effect: Are You Too Good for your Own Good?" which is about how to stop seeking approval from others all the time. It's funny because often we think of "goodness" and whores as being polar opposites, but in reality we (read: ME) whore ourselves out (i.e.,stuff down our authentic selves) in order to seem angelic and in order to please others and be "liked" by everyone. I really deeply encourage you to read the article. It's funny, witty and very wise.

I found this article to be so true for me. I am 100% a self-admitted approval whore. I am constantly tailoring, tweaking and editing what I say and do and wear so that I don't offend anyone or so that I can please the other person. (Heck, I am doing it right now even as I write this for all of you nameless, faceless readers out there!) I try to be "nice" and complimentary and pleasant to everyone. But here is the problem - how the f*$# do I know what other people want or what they want me to say? I am not a mind reader, even though I often think I am. I don't know what other people think because I don't live inside their head. So really, I am contorting myself into some very weird, awkward, odd version of a thing that I think I should be or that I think other people want me to be. Instead of ME! I think as girls we are sometimes afraid to be ourselves, to be loud, to be messy, to argue, to disagree, to tell it like it is, to not be perfect little angels.

So just for today, do something against the status quo. Disagree with someone you are afraid to disagree with. Speak up. Tell someone how you feel even if it will upset them. Say no. Say yes (to something that you want to do but are afraid will make you look "weird.") Say something unruly. Say nothing. Wear white after labor day. Do a little jig in the hallway. Stand out. Today, I decided to wear a dress with crazy colors to work and a bright, electric blue sweater. Why? Because I can. And because whoever said that you have to wear muted, bleak colors to work was probably someone who needs a hug.

But before you go do anything, read that article first.

Weekend Bits

first sights of fall
Eastern State Penitentiary, "Terror Behind the Walls"
my shadow waving hello
a smoothie based on Mama Pea's pumpkin pie smoothie - perfect for a hot fall day!



daisies!
the best dancers
little white trumpet



photo courtesy books, paper, scissors 

"This thing of darkness I acknowlege mine. There is nothing more confining than the prison we don't know we are in. "

~ William Shakespeare 

That Which Can Never Die

photo courtesy books, paper, scissors

“What is that which can never die It is that faithful force that is born into us that one that is greater than us that calls new seed to the open and battered and barren places so that we can be resown. It is this force in its insistence in its loyalty to us in its love of us in its most often mysterious ways that is far greater far more majestic and far more ancient than any heretofore ever known.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, The Faithful Gardener: A Wise Tale About That Which Can Never Die

Weekend Bits: Things I Love

left to right, top to bottom:
tiramisu from Il Portico
birthday boy and the birthday maker
me with an umbrella (so what if it was barely raining?)
reflection of the chandelier on menu, mom's ring, my necklace



left to right, top to bottom:
me and my bud
shots of Jameson for the whole table
my saving grace #1
my saving grace #2



left to right, top to bottom:
a september rose
kobe beef sliders from Paramour*
a special wish

*Go get these, made by this guy.

Happy Birthday, Bud

photo courtesy of books, paper, scissors 

When we were younger, my brother Kyle and I would climb the trees in our neighbors' yards. Always right behind me and my backpack filled with adventure "essentials," Kyle was my partner and #1 follower. This photo reminded me of him and I, and of the poem I wrote about one of our tree-climbing adventures from a poetry class in college. Happy birthday, Kyle. I love you.

Miracle

They’re cutting down the tree today,

the one I climbed to the very top.

You followed me but lost your footing,

I watched as you hit

every

branch

on

     your

way

       down

like a wet rag. How memories’ coils smolder:

You. Face down. Petrous, dry earth. Surrendered

in a bowl of dust

I ran home, red alarm rising

rendered you dead to mom. When

we went back you were pale and shaking

but alive.

“Miracle,” said mom

and my mouth swallowed the word

and never forgot the taste of relief:

hot coals

stoked in the throat, cooled by splashes 
of wet truth.

UV's Is Good For You

No, I'm not talking about UV rays. I spent a significant portion of my grade-school and high school years sneaking in and out of tanning salons, against my mother's watchful eyes. I'm talking about a different kind of UV light, and it's stronger than a tanning bed, even stronger than the sun. And these kinds of UV's are 100% beneficial for your health. You see, UV's stands for...

Using your Voice  to Un-Victimize yourself.

What does this mean? It means that in every situation - even in situations where we have been physically, sexually or emotionally abused by someone - we have a choice to USE OUR VOICE and in doing so, shift our energy from powerless and victimized to empowered and spoken for.

We can blame others until we are blue in the face but at the end of the day it is only up to us to redirect ourselves on the path we want in life. Yes people can hurt us deeply. Yes, even our own parents, close family members and the people who we relied on to provide for us the basis and foundation of trust and love, can do horrible and disgusting things to us. The people who we relied on and trusted most can betray us. Our best friends can say something hurtful. Our boyfriends or husbands can cheat on us. But at the end of the day, we cannot change what has been done and we most certainly cannot change anyone else.

*This is big: WE CAN NOT CHANGE ANYONE.*

But we can express ourselves, tell people how we feel and stick up for ourselves. We can change and study how we react to what someone else does. We can choose to Un-Victimize ourselves by Using our Voice to fight back, to tell our story, to be real with others and real with ourselves. We can tell the truth. We can get good and angry. We can confront others and confront our demons. We can expose the darkest corridors of our hearts with the light of honesty and openness. We are only as sick as our secrets and the more honest and real we are with the others, the more honest and real we are with ourselves. And the more honest and real we are with ourselves, the more self-aware we are. And the more self-aware we are, the easier it is to handle situations when another person does or says something that hurts us. We can watch and study ourselves and learn what makes us tick, what kinds of people we like to surround ourselves with and how to speak up for ourselves when we are uncomfortable.

The only jointless bone in the body is in our throats. Let's make them the strongest bones we have.  

STRIP ME

Natasha Beddingfield 

Everyday I fight for all my future somethings
A thousand little wars I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime earning things I don't need
That's like chasing rainbows and coming home empty

And if you strip me, strip it all away
If you strip me, what would you find
If you strip me, strip it all away
I'll be alright

Take what you want steal my pride
Build me up or cut me down to size
Shut me out but I'll just scream
I'm only one voice in a million
But you ain't taking that from me
You ain't taking that from me
You ain't taking that from me
You ain't taking that from me
You ain't taking that!

I don't need a microphone yeah
To say what I've been thinking
My heart is like a loudspeaker
That's always on eleven

And if you strip me, strip it all away
If you strip me, what would you find
If you strip me, strip it all away
I'm still the same

Take what you want steal my pride
Build me up or cut me down to size
Shut me out but I'll just scream
I'm only one voice in a million
But you ain't taking that from me
You ain't taking that from me
You ain't taking that from me
You ain't taking that from me
You ain't taking that!

Cause when it all boils down at the end of the day
It's what you do and say that makes you who you are
Makes you think about, think about it doesn't it

Sometimes all it takes is one voice