“You know, sometimes it is the artist’s task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left.” - Itzhak Perlman

pink and yellow rose bushes at Rittenhouse Square

Hello my innerpeachpies, I apologize for having been on hiatus. My mouth sores have gotten pretty bad - or "nasty" as my doctor so eloquently described. I've been on lots of magic mouth wash (children's benadryl + malox), painkillers and yogurt. Sounds delicious right? I also sound like I have a wad of cotton in my mouth when I talk, and when I smile I look slightly similar to a chipmunk - though not as cute as a chipmunk!

In the meantime while I've been doing as much sleeping as possible and have been trolling the blogosphere. I found some really neat stuff... (yup, I did just say "neat" right there)

A really, really, really wonderful website dedicated to 20-something-women who are struggling

Yummy recipe I can't wait to try

The coolest jewelry evaaa (check out the mustache necklace, my fave)

The war in instagrams

Cashmere affair (pleaaaase can I have them all?)

So, most random post ever? Oh well. Life is pretty random. And meaningful.

Managing Desperate Thoughts/Addictive Thinking

from Oprah's O Magazine, August 2011 issue

I don't know why they don't teach this stuff in schools. I really don't. Especially when, more and more, we see the youth culture today exhibiting signs of deep emotional need that is being covered up and "dealt with" through the dangerous avenues of binge drinking, sexual promiscuity, drug abuse and worst of all, suicide. But none of these ways of coping are health-ful or life-giving. They subtract. They take more away from you than you had in the beginning. They make things worse. They complicate matters. They reinflict old wounds and old patterns. In short, they are self-destructive and generate more pain.

We cannot deal with desperate thoughts this way. They will get worse. We also can't deal with desperate thoughts by "thinking" more. Desperate thoughts are exactly what the word sounds like they are "de-separate" - they seperate us from ourselves and from reality. They are not real. As soon as we have a desperate thought we are - for sure - no longer connected to ourselves. We are separated and splinched. We are bolting. We are no longer in the room, no longer in the here and now. We are in la-la-la land and it's a dangerous place to be. You. Do. Not. Want. To. Stay. Here. So what do you do?

1. Call or text someone you trust.

2. Name the feeling to your trusted friend. Whatever it is. For example, is it sadness, guilt, fear, loneliness, desperation, anger, shame, worry, anxiousness....? Is it nameless? (I used to have a recurring feeling and I never found the right words to describe it so I would always call it "hippopotamus grey feeling")

3. Describe the feeling and where it is located in your body. If the feeling had a color what would it be? Is it blue, green, red, orange, purple, yellow? Is it multi-colored? Speckled? Streaky? Is it round, soft, hard, jagged, furry, fuzzy, slimey, gooey, thick, watery? Is it in your heart, chest, tummy, abdomen, shoulders, stomach, legs, groin? Is it moving? Stationary? Stuck? Throbbing? Be creative and don't limit yourself to the words I just used.

4. Share the thoughts running through your head. Remember, we are only as sick as our secrets.

5. Do not be discouraged if your friend does not understand or is concerned. The point is you are telling someone else. You are sharing the thoughts and feelings with another being who is alive on this earth. You are sharing your story. This simple act of truth-telling and sharing brings us back to ourselves and to reality.

If you do not have someone to call, do this exercise in a journal or call a helpline. Also keep in mind that when in doubt, disengage the mind. Stop thinking. Be aware of your body, your in and out breath. Take note of the sensations in your body. Invite someone in before you spiral down.

"In all instances, you need to examine your addictive thinking. Virtually every spiritual tradition teaches that your higher self is the presence of God within you. When you know this power within yourself, you no longer think in terms of anything that you must have or do with reference to external needs. In Christianity, this inner knowing is referred to in the commandment that says "... for behold, the kingdom of God is within you". In Confucianism we are told, "What the undeveloped man seeks is outside. What the advanced man seeks is within himself." In Buddhism we are reminded, "If you think the Law is outside yourself you are embracing not the absolute Law but some inferior teaching." In Shintoism we are implored, "Do not search in distant skies for God. In man's own heart He is found." And finally, in Hinduism we are told, "God hides hidden in the hearts of all."  Within each and every one of us is a divine power that needs no substance or anything external to know bliss."- Wayne Dyer, via The Daily Love

Because...

Because I am not this

ME as a SUPERHERO... i made it at The Hero Factory

I am on this

But I still sound like this (Brainy)







Mushaboom Mondays

mushrooms in our neighbor's yard

cute mushroom family

Yes I realize today is Tuesday people (I haven't taken anymore Nyquil, thankyouverymuch) but I saw these mushrooms yesterday -- Monday -- and I liked the alliteration. And even though I am probably HIGHLY allergic to these wee little white fungi (and other things growing at this time which I have to thank for my recent bout of allergic attacks/congested head/swollen sore throat/mouth sores) I can't help but love them. I love them because they remind me of faraway worlds like the rolling, moist greens in Ireland where I believe small fairies and pixies use these mushrooms for little houses. I also imagine them being little springboard jumping pads for fairies like Crystal from Fern Gully (My . Favorite . Movie. Ever.) who live in lush rainforests like Hoh Rainforest in Washington state.



photo courtesy of adamthinks.com



I also love them because even though I dislike not being able to swallow or speak (thanks mouth sores) or sleep at night or breath through both nostrils at the same time, I like that their blooming may or may not have caused me to get sick which has forced me to slow down. To slow down just enough to, no not smell the roses (over-rated), but take pictures of the little mushrooms in all their funny, Super-Mario-world-like glory. Sometimes I like getting sick because it reminds me to slow down, to rest, to take care of myself and to treat myself gently like I would treat a little child. Sometimes when life gets really hectic and crazy I do just the opposite of what I reallly need to do (rest) and instead I drink more caffeine, get less sleep, take on more projects and end up burning myself out. And then my body or the natural world remind me that HELLOoOoOoOOOoo I am not a superhero and that I need to rest and take care of myself because what good is any of the work I do if I don't have a healthy body to do it in? The answer: no good (unless of course I am Casper.)

By the way I have no idea what "mushaboom" means or even if it is a real word but it's a real word to Feist and frankly that's all that matters to me.

Letting Go of "Perfection"

picture of the orchid in my bathroom

First of all let me preface this by saying, I'm not sure I believe in perfection. What does the word mean anyway? Let's ask Webster, shall we?

Answer:

Perfection : the quality or state of being perfect: as a : freedom from fault or defect : flawlessness b : maturity c : the quality or state of being saintly

2

a : an exemplification of supreme excellence b : an unsurpassable degree of accuracy or excellence

Hmmm. Flawless? Freedom from fault or defect? Saintly?! Unsurpassable excellence?! Uh whoa sounds religious to me. Prelapsarian religious to be exact. 'Prelapsarian' is a cool term I throw around to look smart on the 'ole blog here. It's a term I learned in my sophomore year British Literature class when we read Milton's "Paradise Lost" which is a reeeaaaalllly long poem about Adam & Eve eating the forbidden fruits in Paradise and thus "falling" from God's grace and therefore becoming sinful human beings with free will and somehow creating the necessity of having Jesus come around just so that he could die for us... (and some Catholics think that other religions don't make sense?) Lapse = Fall. Pre = Before. So Prelapsarian means before the fall, or before that sinful, indulgent and untrustworhy feminine impulse of Eve led her to eat the fruit. So the entire basis of our creation story has to do with a woman eating something she shouldn't have eaten? Um, how can you not have food issues if you are raised Catholic?

I'm being funny. But also I'm not. The history of the Catholic Church is wrought with guilt, shame, punishment, self-flagellation, mass genocide (what's up Spanish Inquisition?) and has a pretty awful track record when it comes to claiming that all things sexual and sensual (related to any of the senses) are "sinful" and that the female body and the female must be controlled, suppressed and made to feel ashamed. The idol of the Church is the Virgin Mother Mary who concieved without sex. So basically the woman you are supposed to look up to didn't have sex? And the woman you are supposed to blame for having caused this whole debacle ate something sweet and delicious when she wasn't supposed to? Just let that sink in for a moment.

So Mary the Virgin was "perfect," and a prelapsarian Eve was "perfect." I don't know about you but "perfect" isn't sounding like a lot of fun to me right now - or even humanly possible. One could argue that the entire definition of perfection is a little skewed. Maybe the true definition of perfection is nature itself - perfectly imperfect. The way flowers die and regrow even after a city has been bombed. The way that animals intrinsically know that when they are hurt, they need to go to a quiet and safe place to rest and be alone. The way that the tides move in and out at their own rhythm and pace. The way the seasons work, the way things die so that other things can be reborn. Perfection, to me, is the natural harmony of things and it is embodied in the natural give and take the way that the natural world balances itself out without the force of man. (ACTUALLY, man is kind of out what kills the natural balance of nature and kills nature.)

Regardless of whether perfection truly exists (because maybe we are already perfect as is, right now without changing anything?) or not, I have always tried to force myself to be "perfect" - or better yet to be like the Virgin Mary, the Prelapsarian Eve or this generally strange homogenized mixture of what I think I am supposed to be based on TV, magazines and my peers. As a little girl I would tear my shoes off if the thread line on my socks didn't match up to my toes. I would rip my pony-tail out if there were any "frumps" (also known as "bumps" by normal people.) I needed to have the right color socks. I needed everything to be tight and suction-cupped to my body. Nowadays my obsession with perfection has to do with things like my hair looking right, having the right job, making a certain amount of money, making sure my body looks like everyone else's, making sure my clothes are trendy etc. etc. etc, ad nauseaum.

But.

My pursuit for "perfection" has been in vain because life has a way of coming in, messing things up and usually confusing the hell out of me. So what's a girl to do? There is no other choice but to let go and allow things to flow as they naturally would. The way that water flows in a container and forms to the shape of whatever it is in, so too must we allow ourselves to be molded and shaped into the life, the body and the world we are given. Or, as my favorite quote says from the book The Bingo Palace by Louise Erdrich,

"Why fight the joke, why rush the moment? Who the hell knows how it all turns out?"

Sometimes we have to relinquish control in order to be able to fully take life in. Sometimes we just have to trust in something deeper than ourselves and our rational, logical minds. Sometimes we have to let ourselves eat the juicy sweet fruit and NOT beat ourselves up over it. Sometimes we just have to let ourselves be - imperfections and all - and trust that we will be loved and that, in the words of T.S. Eliot, "all shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well."

P.S. - For more to read on letting go of perfection:

Set Yourself Free by DailyOM

My Wabi Sabi Body Lessons by Arielle Ford via The Daily Love

Being Perfect by Anna Quindlen (Commencement Speech for Mount Holyoke College, May 23, 1999)

P.P.S. - If this post didn't make sense or was scatter-brained, I blame it on the Nyquil I took at 3 am last night to soothe a terrible sore throat. *Note to self: Never take Nyquil 3 hours before you have to wake up - you will not wake up. You will sleep through 3 alarms, fall over while brushing your teeth, almost get hit by a car crossing the street and be out of it all day. But I'm going to post this post anyway because if I wait until it's perfect, it would never be finished. ;-)

One Drop of Water Contains the Whole Ocean

picture I took of a water drop hanging on my plant in my bathroom

"Everything you take for granted is a blessing.

Everything you fear is a friend in disguise.

Everything you want is a part of you.

Everything you hate you hate about yourself.

Everything you own does not define you.

Everything you feel is the only Truth there is to know.

Everything you wish for is already on its way to you.

Everything you think creates your life.

Everything you seek for you will find.

Everything you resist will stick around.

Everything you let go of stays if it's supposed to.

Everything you need is right where you are.

Every time you bless another your bless yourself.

Every time you blame another you lose your power.

Every time you think you can, you can.

Every time you fall you must get up and try again.

Every time you cry you're one tear closer to joy.

Everytime you ask for forgiveness, all you have to do is forgive yourself.

Everyone you see is your reflection.

Everyone you know mirrors you.

Everyone wants to be happy.

Everyone wants to live in joy.

Everyone seeks a higher purpose.

Everyone breathes the same breath.

Everyone needs love to survive.

Everyone has a purpose to fulfill.

Everyone's the same as everyone else.

We just get caught up in labels, names, skin color and religion.

Everyone's the same as everyone else.

No one wants to feel the pain.

Everyone's the same as everyone else.

Everyone is dying for love to remain."

- Jackson Kiddard, author and polymath.

When There is Nothing Left to Burn, You Have to Set Yourself on Fire