Handling Strong Emotions

Thich Nhat Hanh, photo courtesy of blog.futurs.org

Last night after a pretty intense meditation and yoga class I came home to eat peanut butter by the spoonful watch a video of a speech made by the Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh. Since I friended Thich Nhat Hanh on facebook (yeah, me and the Buddhist monk are buds) I get regular updates about where he is speaking next, where he just spoke, what he spoke about and links to watch videos of his speeches. I say "speeches" but what he really does is talk in a calm voice and immediately draws you into (through a computer screen!) his calming, loving presence.

I was first introduced to Hanh (is it appropriate to refer to a monk by his last name?) in my East Asian philosophy class in college taught by our teacher who had gone to Japan and lived in a Zen Buddhist monastery for 12 years.  I tell you this man was the calmest, brightest and most un-ruffled human being I've ever met. I loved being around him because things just felt clearer. He taught us about Buddha and meditation and he had us read (among many other books)Thich Nhat Hanh's short book "The Heart of Understanding." Since reading that book and reading an interview between him and Oprah in O Magazine, I was instantly hooked on this man's words. I wanted to hear him speak and read his words every day. Naturally, I friended him on facebook. (Oh, modern technology.) So when I got a status update that he had given a speech on "Handling Strong Emotions" I clicked the link right away. If anyone needs some advice on how to handle strong emotions, it's me. My emotions are not like rain showers in tropical rainforests, where the light rain comes in and dribbles over the plants for food and nourishment and then is swiftly replaced by bright warm sunshine. No. My emotions have the size and fury of a hurricane, a tornado and a tsunami all in one . They come in and knock me off my feet, sweep me into churning waters right below the eye of the storm. I become whatever I am feeling. I become bowled over by anger, jealousy, fear, sadness, despair all at once in a matter of seconds and sometimes cannot find dry shores for an hour.

In his speech Thich Nhat Hanh describes the 8 steps of mindfulness in handling strong emotions. The first step is awareness of the in/out breath. Being aware of "breathing in" and being aware of "breathing out" is the first step because the breath is the bridge between the mind and the body. Focusing on the breath yokes together the mind and body.  Hanh encourages one to recite:

"Breathing in I know that I am breathing in.
Breathing out I know that I am breathing out.”

You can also put your hands on your belly over your belly-button and feel the belly rise with the in-breath and fall with the out-breath.

So step 1) awareness of the in/out breath, step 2) following the breath with the mind, step 3) awareness of the body, step 4) releasing tension in the body, step 5) generating joy, step 6) generating happiness, step 7) recognizing pain, step 8) embracing pain like a mama embraces her baby child who is crying. Hanh also says that the key to becoming a practitioner of mindfulness is to join a community of people who can support you when your thoughts/emotions become too big for you; he says that the strength, energy and solidarity of a community can help you through your weakest moments and hold you up.

If you don't know the difference between joy and happiness (I didn't) then watch this video. If you would like to feel peaceful and calm for an hour, then watch this video. AND, if you are anything like me and you like to be taught by a person rather than read on your own, you would greatly benefit from watching this video and learning Hanh teach you all 8 steps in depth using props/images. Yes, it is rather long (about an hour and 20 minutes) but I've spent that long crying, screaming, ranting, raving and thinking negatively and never considered that a waste of time. Trust me when I tell you this will be the best hour and 20 minutes you spend. You can skip to the 9:15 mark to get started. Go ahead, watch it! :)

http://pvom.wordpress.com/2011/08/09/handling-strong-emotions/

I Want This Hair

photo courtesy of people.com

Okay, hair fairies? You got that? That is all. Oh and maybe Olivia Wilde's awesome ferocious fierceness as well too please. Thanksssssomuch.

Lonely Games Too

"I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you."

- Dr. Seuss, Oh! The Places You'll Go!

This weekend was spent down the shore with my family and extended family (Mariana!) doing fun stuff. There was swimming, running, long talks, beautiful sunsets, funny conversations with Pop-pop, and lots of corn, fish, peaches and spaghetti consumed (but not in that order thank god.)

There were games of Top Toss (I won the first two rounds!) and tanning competitions (clearly my dad won on that one) but there were also lonely games too. Even though they were NOT invited, my inner critic made a number of dramatic appearances over the course of the weekend. I've referenced my inner critic in a post before. Sometimes I call my inner critic Bellatrix as in Bellatrix Lestrange and sometimes she is a he and I call him something else, to which I will later dedicate an entire post. My friend extended family member, Mariana, was helpful in pointing out when my inner critic was running the show - telling me I shouldn't go out with her and my friends Saturday night because I didn't look good enough to be be seen- and she prompty reminded me, "your inner critic wasn't invited." I'm so glad Mariana was there to help me see when my inner critic was talking to me and when I was listening to the inner critic and following its ridiculous orders. She was a protective buffer between me and my inner critic. *Thank you, Mare.*

You see as Dr. Seuss says in his quote above, we all play lonely games against ourselves that we can never win. When we start sabotaging ourselves by listening to and believing our inner critics, we are playing a dangerous game against ourselves that we can never win. We can't win when we are playing against ourselves because conflict, competition and violence never lead to innerpeace (or innerpeach!) When we fight with ourselves, we will lose 100% of the time. It seems silly that  I would take a perfectly lovely weekend at the beach with my friends and family and turn it into something unbearable at points. But that is what happens when I start to follow the inner critic, when I listen to it berate me and tear me down, when I believe its insults and when I let it run the show. The inner critic is no fun. The inner critic wants to be miserable and wants me to be miserable. The inner critic loves to set me up for failure, to set me up against myself so that I can never win and so that I feel permanently trapped. Even though the inner critic ran the show for some parts of the weekend, the good news is that I realize it and that I realize how much fun I missed out on because I listened to the inner critic and not to Courtney. It turns out Courtney likes to be outside, to laugh and to love and connect with the people around her. She also really likes peaches (with yogurt!) and innerpeace innerpeach more than fighting with herself.

P.S. - There is a very big difference between healthy competition and unhealthy competition. For example, competing against Brian and his family in Top Toss (and busting on eachother in jest) is a form of healthy and fun competition. Comparing yourself to every single girl you see and feeling like you are fatter, uglier and less worthy than they are is an extremely unhealthy and dangerous form of competition. It is also an indicator - as the excellent Clarissa Pinkola Estes points out in her awesome post about jealousy - that one "is not casting one's nets beyond one's familiar small pond." Search for Clarissa Pinkola Estes on facebook and friend her to get her daily words of wisdom and guidance. And DEFINITELY read this post of hers:

Dear Brave Souls: Jealousy and Copyists are often Proportionate to Not Casting One's Nets Beyond One's Familiar Small Pond

by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes on Monday, August 1, 2011 at 12:55am

Beyond the Pond...

When there's not enough opportunity in a group's close-in environs, there's often way more than enough jealousy to go around. Dont submit to the latter. It will kill your creative life, make you a second-rate dreamer instead of an original do-er. Change environs. Dig to China if necessary.

In the world, opportunity for most all things is everywhere in the nearly 197 BILLION square miles of planet Earth, in a way opportunity is not available in the less than ten square miles many people, not live in, for we all live in various biospheres, but rather limit themselves to in thought and deed, at any given time.

In life there are not just ten opportunities per ten square miles of mind and heart. Rather, there are at least 196,939,900 opportunities in as many square miles. Multiply by 365. Think bigger. Broader. Deeper. Farther. Creative life needs broad vistas no matter how confined the body may be:  Do not stay in a ten square mile mindset when the entire universe of every and any possibility is yours. Whistle for your wolves and go.

with love,
dr.e

"Beyond the Pond" endnote from La Pasionaria/ The Bright Angel manuscript, ©1982, 2011 C.P. Estés, all rights reserved.



Celebrate Your Dreams When You Are Awake

Meet Poley

Selenite, roll of toilet paper, Rose Quartz, Poley, Yoga Journal

When I get really weepy I indulge myself and have a good, long cry. I do this fairly often because it feels so good to cry sometimes. Usually when I am having one of these cries I like to have a few essentials nearby: a roll of toilet paper to sop up tears, some crystals, a book or magazine that contains words of wisdom, my comfy bed and, of course, Poley.

Most of the time when I am not crying to my mom, Poley is with me for these cries. Poley is the polar bear stuffed animal I got from my godfather when I was 2 years old. I have a picture of me holding Poley for the first time after unwrapping him from his Christmas box. It's one of my favorite pictures of me because I look positively in love. My eyes are all squinched up and I am squeezing the life out of him in the picture. Since that picture both Poley and I have grown up and got some life and love rubbed into us. His bright white fur has browned a bit and his little black leather nose has frayed after having been put to the grindstone a few too many times. The icecream I fed him and lipstick I put on him (even though I call him a "he" he's actually adrongynous and was always a good sport about the lipstick) have stained his little downturned stitched mouth. But his beady, purple-black eyes have remained as wise and as all-knowing as ever. Poley serves as a pillow when I need him (he is the perfect mixture of softness and buoyent strength,) a tissue when I am crying, and has endured countless squeezes, hugs, kisses and even neglect. There are times when I don't need Poley at all and he gets forgotten, wedged between my bed and the wall, collecting dust. But he is always awaiting me with open paws the next time I need him. When I cry, he listens and nods silently. Often I ask Poley questions that usually begin in "why" and he just looks back at me with a quiet knowing and a tinge of empathic sadness in his eyes. Sometimes I think Poley is the pet dog I never had as a kid. But the cool thing about Poley is that he doesn't poop, doesn't beg me to feed him all the time and he doesn't require my attention. Actually, Poley doesn't depend on me for anything. His sole function is to provide comfort to me. He is silently, softly always there - this white, furry and comfortable presence hanging in the background of everything.

"Tears are a river that takes you somewhere... Tears lift your boat off the rocks, off dry ground, carrying it downriver to someplace better." - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Lost Trousers, Erasers and Wild Geese



picture of Philadelphia taken with my iPhone using instagram



My walk from the train station to work in the morning is always an interesting experience. Sometimes I see homeless people gathering together to talk and brush eachother's hair in the grass. Sometimes I get honked at by cars passing by because I look like I am soliciting my body as I peel off layers of extra clothing that I had to put on to ride the Coldest Train in America. Other times I jam out to my Hannah Montana radio station on Pandora... wow, did I just admit that on the world wide web? Yep. Sometimes I find things like men's trousers dangling in the trees along the sidewalk... ? (Somewhere there is a man walking around without his trousers! Poor guy.) And other times I am stopped by images so gorgeous such as this one above that I have to smile to myself. I like how in this picture it sort of looks like an upside down world with the reflections of the buildings in the Schuylkill River. I also like how the green of the grass and the silvery grey of the water pop out against the industrial and bleak horizon, almost as if under the bridge there is a secret garden world full of bright colors and chirping birds and magical mirror waters.

I want to share this poem with you because I was having a pretty bad couple of days and reading this poem somehow smudged out all the icky feelings for a moment - like a giant eraser. (True story: I love the way erasers feel on my fingers!!!!!!!!!!)

Wild Geese 

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

- Mary Oliver

Grasshoppers and New Moons

Me getting a picture of...

The Venerable Sir Grasshopper III of King of Prussia

Chances are, unless you're a stargazer like I am, you weren't aware that this past weekend was the start of a new moon. New moons are the start of a new lunar cycle and typically represent - you guessed it - powerful beginnings and brand new starts. Although the full moon has its own meaning and special characteristics (werewolves, higher Emergency Room hospital admittances) I've always been a fan of the new moon because for a few days the moon disappears from the sky to its dark recluse where it seems to recharge, regroup and reassess. To me it symbolizes the beginning stages of a creative project where the imaginative juices start flowing and you start to dream up ideas without ever actually creating anything tangible just yet. It is in the darkness where we are truly born again. Therefore, if ever you are in a time in your life of "darkness" try and turn it around and see it as a time of rebirth, renewal and an opportunity for potent creative growth.

On top of it being a new moon, on our way out of Crate and Barrel on Saturday Aly and I spotted the little green man I posted in the picture above - The Sir Venerable Grasshopper III of King of Prussia. I have no idea why but grasshoppers always seem so Stately and Noble to me. I think it's because they always look like they are wearing a green tuxedo with tail. I'm sure right now you are wondering how in god's name a new moon and spotting a grasshopper are related. But I promise they are related. (Although admittedly I am a poet, and I find meaning and relatedness in everything - it's what we do.)

According to animal medicine (a Shamanic belief that the natural world responds to our deepest desires by presenting to us an animal whose traits we most need to adopt at that time), the grasshopper is a symbol of leaping forward.

According to Ina Woolcott in her article, "Grasshopper, Locust Power Animal, Symbol of Leaping Forward,"

There are 10,000 or so species of grasshopper, they are cold blooded as all insects are and are more mobile when it is warmer. Each species has their own unique song.... The power of sound and song is part of grasshoppers medicine. It is an ancient method to use song to alter ones consciousness and communicate with animals and spirits. There are some native american songs that date back 20,000 years...

Grasshopper is the Chinese symbol of good luck and abundance. Anyone with this power animal has been given the ability to take chances - to act on a whim and jump right in. For them things may not progress step by step as they do for other people progress - but rather extremely fast. When taking that leap simply trust your own instincts on when to make the leaps. Listening to your inner voice and responding to it will lead you to positive outcomes. Don’t be afraid to make that leap, remembering all the while that Grasshopper’s only ever jump forwards and never backwards...

If the grasshopper-locust leaps into your life, then you are being asked to take a leap of faith, to do something without fear - this will generally be something that you have avoided doing and is often linked to a change in direction on a grander scale - be it a relationship, career or change in self. You will have the wisdom needed to get passed obstacles in an efficient manner....

Grasshoppers are usually peaceful, however in times of overcrowding or food shortages, they turn into the much feared locusts who in the blink of an eye can strip a farm or forest. They turn almost black so as to take in more sunlight which fuels their swarming by giving extra heat and energy. They do this until they find somewhere with enough food, enough of them die/are killed to control the population. Remember: the fruits of the earth are for all to enjoy and there is plenty for all if used in a sacred way. People sometimes forget this sacred balance and take more than needed - this may also be an indication of people taking from you. Do others claim too much of your time and energy? Do they try and make you take responsibility for their actions? Ask yourself these questions, remembering that the going only gets tough when we refuse change.

So I take a few things from this. 1. grasshoppers represent leaping forward into new possibilities (hello, new moon!) 2. they each sing their own unique song (we each have our own voice and story to tell) and 3. we can learn from their dark side that it's important not to hoard food or take to much but also on the flip-side of that it's important to not allow others to walk all over us and consume too much of us. I'd say the grasshopper and the new moon had a LOT of good things to teach me and maybe you as well?

P.S. in honor of the new moon I am including the song "Made in the Dark" By Hot Chip